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 Posted:   Dec 19, 2019 - 9:42 AM   
 By:   Damian   (Member)

Did you hear about the man who didn't know the difference between putty and dog shit - all his windows fell out

 
 Posted:   Dec 19, 2019 - 9:51 AM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

Did you hear about the dyslexic who questioned his faith? He wasn't sure if there was a Dog.

 
 
 Posted:   Dec 24, 2019 - 1:42 AM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

Christmas carols before sanitisation:

“If I were a shepherd / I would bring some lamb.”

 
 Posted:   Jan 19, 2020 - 12:11 PM   
 By:   Adam B.   (Member)

OK. Time for a visual joke.

The nine Star Wars scores are the centerpiece of my John Williams collection! (rimshot!)



(my lame jokes are always so time consuming)

 
 Posted:   Jan 24, 2020 - 6:02 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

A weasel walks into a bar.
"What'll ya have?", goes the bartender.
"Pop!", goes the weasel.

 
 Posted:   Feb 10, 2020 - 9:16 AM   
 By:   madmovyman   (Member)

During a visit to the mental asylum, he asked the director,
"how do you determine whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized?"

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a thimble,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub..."

"Oh, I understand," he said. "a normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the thimble or the cup."

"No," said the director, "a normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"

 
 Posted:   Feb 10, 2020 - 9:19 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

During a visit to the mental asylum, he asked the director,
"how do you determine whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized?"

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a thimble,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub..."

"Oh, I understand," he said. "a normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the thimble or the cup."

"No," said the director, "a normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"


big grin

Thanks! You made my morning!

 
 Posted:   Feb 12, 2020 - 3:47 PM   
 By:   Adam B.   (Member)

Saw this on Twitter. Nasty NASA.

 
 Posted:   Feb 12, 2020 - 4:06 PM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

And to learn more about it, make sure to look up Uranus.















(this won't be difficult for some of you)

 
 Posted:   Feb 14, 2020 - 8:44 AM   
 By:   theMaestraX   (Member)

Q: How many OPTICIANS does it take to change a lightbulb?????
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Is it ONE or TWO, (whilst a hand covers over left eye, then right eye, then left eye again) ONE or TWO!

 
 Posted:   Feb 15, 2020 - 5:38 AM   
 By:   Damian   (Member)

Paddy takes two stuffed dogs to the antiques roadshow.
ooh! Said the presenter,these are a very rare breed.Do you know what they would fetch if they were in good condition.
Sticks replied Paddy.

 
 Posted:   Feb 18, 2020 - 12:45 PM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Q: How many OPTICIANS does it take to change a lightbulb?????
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Is it ONE or TWO, (whilst a hand covers over left eye, then right eye, then left eye again) ONE or TWO!


I
S
A
W
what you did there, nice! wink

 
 Posted:   Feb 18, 2020 - 1:28 PM   
 By:   BillCarson   (Member)

Father Jack's eye test....

 
 Posted:   Feb 19, 2020 - 1:02 PM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Warning! Adult content!
A young couple lived in a neighbor hood that was becoming more crime-ridden over time. One day the wife, who was pregnant with triplets was at home when two cars drove by side by side, with crooks in both cars shooting at each other. Bullets were sprayed everywhere and three passed through the front wall of the couple’s house, three of them striking her.
She awoke in a hospital room hours later and filled with dread at the thought of the fate of her triplets.
Her doctor told her, “You are very fortunate as are your triplets. The bad news is that each of them were hit by a bullet and the bullets are inoperable. The good news is no harm will come to either of them, and in the years to come, their bodies will pass the bullets via either their urinary or intestinal processes – nothing to worry about.
Two months later, she gave birth to two healthy girls and one healthy boy.
Years pass and the family is living happily in a new and safe neighborhood. Nothing had been said to the children about what had happened.
Suddenly one afternoon, a daughter, aged 13 now, came screaming into her mother, “MOM! I was urinating and passed a bullet!!!”. “It’s okay, honey.”, said Mom and explained how it happened.
Two years later the other daughter came into the living room shouting, “MOM! I was urinating and passed a bullet!!!”. “It’s okay, honey.”, said Mom and explained the situation.
One evening a year later, the son, now 16, came blasting into the kitchen, shouting, “MOM! I was…”, “It’s okay, honey, you were urinating and passed a bullet, right?”
“NO! I was in my bedroom wh@cking off and I shot the dog!!!”

Sorry

 
 Posted:   Feb 19, 2020 - 1:27 PM   
 By:   BillCarson   (Member)

It was funny without the sorry. wink
Never apologise for your material.

 
 Posted:   Feb 25, 2020 - 8:58 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

In math class in high school the test stated: “Train A leaves Cleveland at 10:00 AM, traveling West at 50 mph. Train B leaves Lincoln, Nebraska at 10:30 AM, traveling East at 60 mph. Where will they meet and at what time?”
“I HATE these kind of problems!”, I thought and so I glanced over at my friend’s desk and he wrote “I don’t know.” I gave up and wrote “Me neither.”
How did the teacher know I cheated?

 
 Posted:   Mar 2, 2020 - 4:40 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Why did Ilhan want to move to Philadelphia?
She heard it was the city of "Brotherly Love"!

 
 Posted:   Mar 3, 2020 - 8:51 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Why Did the ANTIFAcrat Cross the Road?
Because the chickensh*t, cowardly, mask-wearing, mama’s-basement-living POS had an important meeting with a Nissan Pickup!!!
@ 1:27

 
 Posted:   Mar 3, 2020 - 9:01 AM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

Q: What do you call a tuna fish with two knees?

A: A two-knee-fish.




Q: What do you call a tuna fish that can be tuned musically?

A: A tune-a-fish.

 
 Posted:   Mar 3, 2020 - 9:17 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Q: What do you call a tuna fish with two knees?

A: A two-knee-fish.




Q: What do you call a tuna fish that can be tuned musically?

A: A tune-a-fish.


Glad to see another member of Dad Jokes Proud

wink

 
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