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A man crossing the street gets hit by a bus and dies.
He wakes up.
"Where am I?"
"I am St. Peter. You are in Heaven."
"Wow!"
"You are welcome to roam free for eternity in happiness, health, and youth. But we have one rule: Don't step on a duck."
The man looks around and there are ducks everywhere.
A few hours later he nearly steps on a duck.
"Man, that was a close one!"
Suddenly we hear a quack; he looks over and sees another man has stepped on a duck. St. Peter appears and the man disappears in a puff of smoke.
"Where did he go, Pete?"
"He will suffer punishment for eternity now."
Then the next day he nearly steps on a duck again.
"Damn all these ducks!"
Then a few days later he yet again nearly steps on a duck.
"Ha, you aren't gonna get me, ducky."
He steps backwards and hears a QUACK!. He looks around but thankfully has not stepped on a duck.
St. Peter appears.
"I didn't step on a duck!"
"I know," says St. Peter.
Suddenly there is a puff of smoke and a beautiful woman appears, handcuffed to the man.
St. Peter disappears.
"Whew. So, what happened to you?"
"I don't know about you," says the woman frustrated and angry, "But I stepped on a duck."
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Q: Did James Bond really have sex with Jill Masterson?
A: He Shirley Eaton her.
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I heard the joke differently, with an extra punch line:
Q: Who was the fattest knight at King Arthur's round table?
A: Sir Cumference. He got that way from eating too much pi.
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Posted: |
Aug 20, 2019 - 12:16 PM
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By: |
Nightingale
(Member)
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Here's the latest Edinburgh Fringe Top 10 Jokes shortlist...(number 5 won it with the most votes)
1 "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy."
2 "What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh."
3 "I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts."
4 "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'."
5 "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets."
6 "To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian."
7 "A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it."
8 "Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning."
9 "I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it."
10 "After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging."
Along these same lines as these jokes here's some I came up with:
When I conveyed my surprise at learning that the University had a spelunking club, the president of the club asked me, "Where have you been, in a cave?!"
Despite numerous letters, I simply could not earn a stamp of approval on my application to the Philatelist club.
(They write themselves almost.) 
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Posted: |
Aug 21, 2019 - 9:22 AM
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By: |
jackfu
(Member)
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An oil rig catches fire and before long it is a raging inferno. Numerous fire and rescue teams arrive but the fire is so intense, none can approach closely enough to do much. The owner of the rig, in desperation offers a $10 million reward to whomever can douse the fire.
As a large group plans strategy, a motley-looking crew of firefighters riding in and on an ancient fire truck, bells and sirens blaring, makes the scene, approaching the fire closer than any others would dare. They scramble about, spraying vast amounts of water on themselves, the truck and the fire and in very short order, the fire is out with minimal loss and all are safe.
The owner grasps the Chief by the hand, exclaiming, "That's the bravest, most incredible thing I've ever seen! Thanks very much, the reward is all yours!"
Reporters quickly ask the Chief, "What will you do with all that money!?"
"Im gonna get the brakes on that d*mn truck fixed!"
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Two snakes are sitting in the jungle . The first says to the other-
Are we poisonous.
2nd snake- why?
First- I've just gotten my lip
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Two cannibal are eating a comedian and one looks at the other and says: "Doesn't this taste funny to you?"
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