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 Posted:   Dec 18, 2018 - 5:27 PM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

Also, this:
http://www.jwfan.com/forums/uploads/monthly_2018_10/273388552_HansZimmer2.thumb.jpg.0c47e5f4edcabe1980719d65c72af6c5.jpg

(displaying the image would be hotlinking, so I'm just linking to it)

 
 Posted:   Dec 19, 2018 - 9:23 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

My doctor said, "You feel bad because you're in such bad physical shape and you're not taking care of yourself!"
I said, "I want a second opinion!"
Doc said, "Okay, you're ugly, too!"

 
 Posted:   Dec 19, 2018 - 10:46 AM   
 By:   Mark R. Y.   (Member)

It's Russian history class at a Jewish school. The teacher is a tough, stern master.

"Name one important event that occurred in Russia in 1799!" he growled.

The class was silent, the boys scratching their heads trying to come up with something.

"Nincompoops!" the teacher yelled. "You're all hopeless! Pushkin was born in 1799!"

The boys vacantly nodded their heads.

"I'll give you a MUCH easier year," the teacher said warningly. "1812. What happened in 1812?"

Again, the class said nothing except for "hmmms" and "uhhhs."

"Idiots!!! Can not one of you think of what happened in Russia in 1812??"

One of the boys nervously spoke up. "....Pushkin's Bar Mitzvah?"

 
 Posted:   Dec 19, 2018 - 11:55 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

A ship carrying zoo animals sank suddenly and only a male mouse and a female elephant survived; each of them floating on pieces of debris that landed them on a deserted island. Other than these two, the only island inhabitants were some crabs, bugs and occasional bird visitors. Fresh water and food sources were available, so they were able to get by quite well.
Several months go by and the mouse is beginning to feel quite amorous and frustrated. One day, his inhibitions stripped, he sees the lady elephant using a coconut palm as a scratching post and climbs up the tree onto the elephant’s hind end and, well, has at her. Her scratching movements loosened several coconuts and one by one they dropped, with several landing right on the top of her head, painfully!
“Ow! Ooh! Ouch! Oh, my!”, she exclaims.
Says the mouse, “Yeah, baby talk to me! Who’s yo daddy?!”

 
 Posted:   Dec 19, 2018 - 3:49 PM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

There isn't a thread for it, but I just made this...


 
 Posted:   Dec 20, 2018 - 1:56 PM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Little Calvin comes blasting in the front door, where he stops and yells.
"MOM, MOM!"
"CALVIN!", mom, who's busy washing dishes, shouts, "How many times have I told you not to yell across the house?! Come here and tell me what you want to say!"
"But MOM!"
"CALVIN! Stop yelling and come here!"
'OK!" Calvin angrily stomps thru the living room and into the kitchen.
"So, what its it that's so important, Calvin?!"
"I just wanted to tell you, I stepped in dog sh*t and wanted to know what you wanted me to do with my shoes!"

 
 Posted:   Dec 20, 2018 - 10:16 PM   
 By:   'Lenny Bruce' Marshall   (Member)

My doctor said, "You feel bad because you're in such bad physical shape and you're not taking care of yourself!"
I said, "I want a second opinion!"
Doc said, "Okay, you're ugly, too!"


Henny Youngmans estate will be contacting you.

 
 Posted:   Dec 26, 2018 - 1:43 PM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Two golf jokes:

A guy comes home angry and frustrated after his golf game. His wife cheerily greets him: "Hi, Honey, how was your golf game with Harry? "Lousy!" "Oh, I'm sorry, your game was off?" "No, not at first. In fact, I was having my best ever until the 12th hole and Harry dropped dead." "Oh, my, it must have been awful!" "Yeah, after that it was hit the ball and drag Harry, hit the ball and drag Harry, all the way to the clubhouse!"

Four friends were enjoying a game of golf when near the 13th hole, the green was quite close to a highway and as they paused they saw a funeral procession with many vehicles go by on the road. Joe removed his cap and held it over his heart in respect until the procession had passed by.
Fred said, "Joe, that's very impressive and touching." Joe said "It's the least I could do, I was married to her for thirty years."

 
 Posted:   Feb 6, 2019 - 5:42 PM   
 By:   Adam B.   (Member)

Newest warning seen on bottles of black shoe polish.....

Virginia Politicians: Do Not Put On Face!

 
 
 Posted:   Feb 6, 2019 - 5:43 PM   
 By:   Jim Cleveland   (Member)

Newest warning seen on bottles of black shoe polish.....

Virginia Politicians: Do Not Put On Face!

Ain't THAT da truth! big grinbig grinbig grin

 
 Posted:   Feb 7, 2019 - 5:57 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

A young soldier on his first overseas assignment to Guam went missing. Fearing he’d be charged AWOL, some buddies went searching and found him lying face down on a beach. They picked him up and he was chomping on a mouthful of sand. They quickly cleaned him up and tried to get him back to base discreetly, but somehow the CO found out and called the soldier before him.
“Soldier, what is up with this?!”, the CO demanded.
“Sir, I don’t know what came over me, sir.”
“Very well, son; since it’s your first assignment, I’ll go easy on you this time, but you must remember – it is strictly against regulation for an on-duty soldier to be CHEWING GUAM!

And yes, Bruce - I know, B. Kliban's attorneys will soon be in contact with me. wink

 
 Posted:   Feb 7, 2019 - 7:05 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Newest warning seen on bottles of black shoe polish.....

Virginia Politicians: Do Not Put On Face!


big grin

The fine print warning reads: Facial application approved for use by authorized personnel only: Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Ted Danson, Tom Hanks, Joy Behar, Sarah Silverman, Joni Mitchell...

 
 Posted:   Feb 7, 2019 - 8:26 AM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

Saw this online:


Q: What do you get when you cross a pirate with a pedophile?

A: RRR Kelly

 
 Posted:   Feb 7, 2019 - 11:39 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

A defendant, representing himself in a robbery trial was questioning the witness:
D: "Did you see the face of the man who robbed you?"
W:"Yes! It was you!"
D:"You're a liar! I shoulda blown your head off...if...uh...it...had...been...me...

 
 Posted:   Feb 7, 2019 - 1:43 PM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

 
 
 Posted:   Feb 8, 2019 - 5:55 AM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

A friend of mine is absolutely paranoid about vehicle security. When he gets behind the wheel, he locks the doors and won't stop for anything or anyone. He's the worst bus driver ever.

 
 Posted:   Feb 8, 2019 - 1:18 PM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

I heard an ugly rumor about butter, but I'm not gonna spread it.

 
 Posted:   Feb 8, 2019 - 1:29 PM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

I found some grapes crying last night. I heard it through the grapevine.


(yeah, that's an original baby!)

 
 Posted:   Feb 8, 2019 - 1:36 PM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

I saw a man rob an Apple store.
Now I have to appear in court as an I-witness.

 
 Posted:   Feb 8, 2019 - 2:06 PM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

Banana lawyers always file an appeal.

 
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