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Mr Jack,
If you're saying what you truly believe, then any direct approach of finding someone special will place you at an extreme disadvantage even if you do find someone who likes you. What would happen? You would continuously express an attitude of such extreme self-deprecation, similar to your reactions here, NO ONE could get past even if they initially wanted to know more about you.
So my advice is to forget about finding someONE and focus your attention on someTHING you feel passionate about: Others will discover you through a shared interest in that subject. This will reduce the likelihood of approaching one another from a conceptual perspective, e.g. looks, age, wealth, height, etc.. which is what I think you're doing anyway. The tip off is when you wrote about "getting laid." Any of us with experience in genuine relationships know that sexual gratification is only a by product of any union of the species. It doesn't establish anything lasting or meaningful. It ain't LOVE. Love is caring for another. Love is sacrifice for another. And ANY person can get laid if they pay for it (in case you were not joking).
Look, your responses to some really good advice here, quite frankly sucks. Perhaps you are having us on, however so many people have asked about the same issue that perhaps others who feel like they're in the same boat might actually benefit from some of the responses here.
You have a computer dude! Use it! That's more than most people on the planet have. Find that special interest. Be an expert on the subject. Talk to others about that. Never mind what they look like. You'll have women falling all over themselves to get to know you, whose only requirement is that you are not already in a committed relationship! (Unlike many of the women in Hollywood where just the opposite is true). If you really follow this advice it will disarm that subconscious b.s. about yourself that at least for now, you seem so stuck with.
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The problem is, I'm literally TERRIFIED of women, and I am not exaggerating. Ever since my teens, the idea of asking an attractive woman out of a date fills me with dread. And lacking a car certainly doesn't help (and the current abysmal state of public transportation in my part of the country adds to that). Even if I wanted to join some kind of casual group dedicated to stuff I like (essentially movies and movie soundtracks and nothing else), how would I get there?
You don't have to go anywhere for now. You have a computer. You like movies? Yea, well you have company. There are dozens of chat rooms devoted to the subject. Facebook is a good place to start. I'm in about a dozen film related groups at the moment. You are terrified of...whatever. Stop differentiating: Men, women, attractive, non-attractive, young, old, define your interest in them by their interest in the subject you are interested in. Not that singles dating stuff. I met my wife of 15 years now in a classical music chat room. I lived in L.A.. She came and visited me and now we live in Australia. The "big romance" was developed from our mutual interest in music. It was not dating by concept. Nothing terrifying about any of it. Just two people who found each other through a common interest. It can break down those barriers you find so terrifying. It just requires diligence and some perspective. Be a gentleman. Be kind to everyone because that's who you want to be. Trust me, if you really pursue the SUBJECT that way THEY WILL FIND YOU. You'll start with private chats, then exchange pictures. Let her propose the first meet. But you can set it up so that she feels safe. I can help you personally when the time comes. Anymore responses to me on this topic please email me at: arthur@thecinemacafe.com
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Just a note about online dating services: what I've heard is that a man thinks he's making a date with a woman, but when he gets to the restaurant, he finds himself in the lobby with seven other men who are waiting in line for their turn to sit down with her and be interviewed. Apparently this happens because men greatly outnumber women on dating sites, and it gives the women a lot of power.
I'm sure that isn't always what happens, but it's what I heard first hand from a buddy who tried online dating. I would turn around and leave immediately if it happened to me. [The other side of the online dating coin is worse: now and then there's a news story about a woman getting murdered by a man who used the service to troll for victims.]
As for Jack's issues (social anxiety, avoidance behaviors, and possibly some things he isn't even conscious of), I would ask my primary care doctor to recommend a psychologist with a good reputation. Finding a good psychologist is another crapshoot, so I would try to get a trusted referral. And I'm not saying this as someone who has it all figured out; my own life is in the dumps as well. I should probably be looking for a psychologist.
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Posted: |
Feb 18, 2015 - 8:49 AM
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By: |
mstrox
(Member)
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The problem is, I'm literally TERRIFIED of women, and I am not exaggerating. Ever since my teens, the idea of asking an attractive woman out of a date fills me with dread. And lacking a car certainly doesn't help (and the current abysmal state of public transportation in my part of the country adds to that). Even if I wanted to join some kind of casual group dedicated to stuff I like (essentially movies and movie soundtracks and nothing else), how would I get there?
I was the same way for years. In my experience, the only way to break this terror, is to ask people out. When you do that, you find out that the worst thing that can happen...is they say no. Sucks, but you don't really know the person. And then, you find someone else you'd be interested in meeting, and maybe they say yes, and maybe they say no. If your personal dating field is limited to women, you still have ~50% of the world's population to consider, some 3.5 billion people. Sometimes they won't be interested, and sometimes you won't be interested, and sometimes you both will figure it out immediately and sometimes it will take a while.
Remember that women are just human people like you - many of them are just as scared about dating as you are.
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If your friend experienced this, it is not the norm.
Well, I'm glad to hear that from mstrox and Khan. I have no other data points, so my friend probably did have a bad experience that was out of the ordinary. That's good news.
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Posted: |
Feb 19, 2015 - 11:15 AM
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By: |
Morricone
(Member)
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The problem is, I'm literally TERRIFIED of women, and I am not exaggerating. Ever since my teens, the idea of asking an attractive woman out of a date fills me with dread. And lacking a car certainly doesn't help (and the current abysmal state of public transportation in my part of the country adds to that). Even if I wanted to join some kind of casual group dedicated to stuff I like (essentially movies and movie soundtracks and nothing else), how would I get there?
There is no prison greater than your own brain.
I was raised in a Hispanic ghetto in East LA and saw around me those who were imprisoned in a very real and racist world. No Hispanic role models outside of Ricky Ricardo, they tended to keep to themselves and at that time they joined gangs because you were not going to get any protection from the police. And yet many did get beyond that when they had a glimpse of the world beyond those borders.
So I am assuming you have some sort of job and can get a little money together. Cut down on the soundtrack buying a bit and take one trip away from home to somewhere you have never been and wanted to go (at least for one night). You find if you change your environment you are freeing your mind. You still might be terrified of women but it is not the same terror. It is different because you are different if everything around you is.
And knowing how the reactive mind works (God, I am sounding like a scientologist!) if you comeback with "I can't afford even a trip", get up in the morning, get on a bus, go as far as you can to as different an environment as you can find and don't come back until the last bus returns. Bottom line your brain is what is keeping you down not you. Give it a different world to react to and it renews itself, starts clean.
After that you will not look at your problems quite the same way.
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