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 Posted:   Dec 12, 2018 - 5:23 AM   
 By:   Jehannum   (Member)

Last year I went to Alabama on holiday. I met a really nice bloke. He introduced me to his wife, his sister and his cousin ...

... and she was really nice too.

 
 Posted:   Dec 12, 2018 - 6:38 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

One summer day I was driving to town when I saw ahead a Paramedic truck parked in the highway median, lights flashing. As I was nearing it, the driver, a friend of mine, waved me over, so I stopped behind his truck.
He was almost frantic and asked if I was heading toward town. I said I was and he asked, “Can you help me? My truck broke down and I’ve got to get this to the hospital ASAP!” “Sure”, I said. He handed me a small cooler and said “This contains a guy’s toes. He pulled his lawnmower back too far and cut ‘em off. He’s in an ambulance, maybe at the hospital already.
I had to find his toes in the grass so I’m running late." I took the cooler and opened my car door. Suddenly he said “Wait! I think I see someone coming! Yep, here, I’ll take those back, but thanks for the offer of help. My backup is almost here. Looks like they’ve sent…

 
 Posted:   Dec 13, 2018 - 2:46 AM   
 By:   gmontag451   (Member)

Suddenly he said “Wait! I think I see someone coming! Yep, here, I’ll take those back, but thanks for the offer of help. My backup is almost here. Looks like they’ve sent…

... a *tow* truck?

 
 Posted:   Dec 13, 2018 - 5:11 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Suddenly he said “Wait! I think I see someone coming! Yep, here, I’ll take those back, but thanks for the offer of help. My backup is almost here. Looks like they’ve sent…

... a *tow* truck?


Yes, a "toe" truck! wink

 
 
 Posted:   Dec 13, 2018 - 5:41 AM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

Let's hope the injured person's friends aren't lack toes intolerant.

 
 Posted:   Dec 13, 2018 - 6:17 AM   
 By:   BillCarson   (Member)

Bloke in factory working on machine, it comes down and chops all his fingers off.
Rushed to hospital, doc says "If had brought your fingers i could've sewn them back on"
Man says "i know that doc.. but i couldnt pick 'em up!"

 
 Posted:   Dec 13, 2018 - 7:05 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Let's hope the injured person's friends aren't lack toes intolerant.

big grin

Toe-tally awesome!

wink

 
 Posted:   Dec 13, 2018 - 2:03 PM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

A young monk, seeking higher piety is told of a remote monastery, which, if he can endure his stay there will help him obtain piety beyond his dreams – if he can withstand the harsh requirements.
Accepting the challenge, he goes there and meets with the Abbot. The Abbot explains what is expected and what the young monk will reap and learn there.
The Abbot warns, “Your performance will be reviewed once every five years. After your review, you will be allowed to speak only two words. At no other time will you ever speak here. Only two words shall you speak every five years. All your time will be devoted to study and learn and serve. Should you speak out of turn, you will be expelled. Understood?”
“Yes, Abbot, I understand and I am ready to proceed.”, the monk replies.
The first five years go by quietly with the monk showing great dedication.
The Abbot sits with him and is pleased with his overall progress, with some suggestions for improvement.
The Abbot asks, “Would you like to speak your two words?” The monk nods.
“Food bad.”
The Abbot excuses the monk and he returns to his studies.
Another five years pass by and the process is repeated.
“Your two words?”
“Bed hard.”
Another five years pass by and the process is repeated after fifteen years now.
“Please speak your two words.”, says the Abbot.
The monk replies, “I QUIT!”
The Abbot calmly retorts, “Figures. You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

 
 Posted:   Dec 13, 2018 - 5:59 PM   
 By:   'Lenny Bruce' Marshall   (Member)

Let's hope the injured person's friends aren't lack toes intolerant.

And the bell is rung!

 
 
 Posted:   Dec 13, 2018 - 7:59 PM   
 By:   Preston Neal Jones   (Member)

Thanks, guys. I never knew until tonight that anyone had offered an answer to my query about the mysterious black bars. Reading them now, however, I'm still completely ignorant and confused. But by playing around on those bars just now, at least, I stumbled onto how to read what's hidden under them.

 
 Posted:   Dec 13, 2018 - 9:27 PM   
 By:   gmontag451   (Member)

Thanks, guys. I never knew until tonight that anyone had offered an answer to my query about the mysterious black bars. Reading them now, however, I'm still completely ignorant and confused. But by playing around on those bars just now, at least, I stumbled onto how to read what's hidden under them.

Highlighting them works here, but not on an iPhone I've found. (Clicking Reply on an iPhone works but is cumbersome.) Some other forums even have a 'reveal' button!

 
 
 Posted:   Dec 14, 2018 - 2:20 AM   
 By:   Disco Stu   (Member)

I wanted to become a doctor but I didn't have the patients.

 
 Posted:   Dec 14, 2018 - 4:16 AM   
 By:   BillCarson   (Member)

Dats funnee

 
 Posted:   Dec 17, 2018 - 9:51 AM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

The sheet music to "Dunkirk" has been released:

 
 
 Posted:   Dec 17, 2018 - 10:39 AM   
 By:   Jim Cleveland   (Member)

The sheet music to "Dunkirk" has been released:



INSTANT CLASSIC, JUSTIN!big grinbig grinbig grinbig grinbig grin

 
 Posted:   Dec 17, 2018 - 11:12 AM   
 By:   BillCarson   (Member)

Dats funnee.
But its clearly the original partiture.

 
 Posted:   Dec 17, 2018 - 12:21 PM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

My cousin once attended a concert by the Rolling Stones back in the late 60s. As luck would have it he wound up sitting near the entrance/exit so that the Stones walked within about 50 feet from his seat. He noticed a “hippy-looking” fellow next to him who seemed ill at ease throughout the whole concert and he made a sort of mental note of the guy.
So, the concert ends, and the Stones are approaching as they leave the stage. Suddenly the “weirdo” springs from his seat, climbs onto and leaps from the railing down directly into the band’s path, pulls out a rubber chicken and begins beating Mick and Keith over their heads until the shocked security guards can pull him away, while he screamed: “I just wanted to see if I could…

Edit: Anyone care to finish the joke or is it too corny?

wink

 
 Posted:   Dec 17, 2018 - 1:35 PM   
 By:   Recordman   (Member)

A jungle explorer hears drums every night

He asks his native guide what the drums are all about.

The guide replies, "No need to worry; only worry when drums stop."

A few days go by, every night the drums play in the distance. Until one night they stop. Camp followers start screaming and running around,The explorer runs to his guide in a panic and asks, "The drums stopped! What's happening?"

The guide, with a look of grim resolve, says: "Bass solo. now begins."

(an old time musician's joke)

 
 Posted:   Dec 17, 2018 - 7:22 PM   
 By:   'Lenny Bruce' Marshall   (Member)

The sheet music to "Dunkirk" has been released:



INSTANT CLASSIC, JUSTIN!big grinbig grinbig grinbig grinbig grin


New Statesman humour.
Pheh!

 
 Posted:   Dec 18, 2018 - 7:46 AM   
 By:   solium   (Member)

The sheet music to "Dunkirk" has been released:



I don't know how to read sheet music but even I get it.

 
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