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 Posted:   Aug 10, 2018 - 2:01 AM   
 By:   Josh   (Member)

Can you guess the correct reply?

Spielberg is planning a fim about great classical composers and asks some celebs whom they'd like to portray:

Oldman says: I'd like to be Beethoven (again)."

Hanks says: "How about I play Brahms?"

Arnold says:


“You're one ugly mother Bruckner.”

 
 Posted:   Aug 10, 2018 - 5:31 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Driving home the other evening I saw a guy walking along the road carrying a gas can. I was already in a good mood, having bought a bottle of wine for an anticipated romantic dinner. So feeling generous, I stopped and asked if he needed a ride to a gas station. He did and got in the car. He looked at the paper bag in which I had the wine and asked about it. I said, "It's a bottle of fine wine; I got it for my wife."
He said, "Wow, good trade!"

 
 
 Posted:   Aug 10, 2018 - 2:41 PM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

Trust you to rattle off something even funnier! smile


Thank you sir. I was going to use Muti cycle but that was a bit obscure...

 
 Posted:   Aug 10, 2018 - 2:57 PM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

So, a fat land whale, pervert, and sexual predator walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What can I get you, Harvey Weins...



Oh, never mind.

 
 Posted:   Oct 30, 2018 - 7:19 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

A Halloween joke - I stole it from another website:

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour awakened without pain and as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and taking a few "liberties" here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much?"
“Nah. I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys and we went into the den and played poker all evening."
“But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!”

 
 Posted:   Nov 2, 2018 - 12:14 PM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

I'll never forget the time I removed the bell from my daughter's bicycle.
My neighbors were so happy they awarded me the no-bell peace prize!

 
 Posted:   Nov 2, 2018 - 1:44 PM   
 By:   Thomas   (Member)

Did you know a pie in Jamaica costs $2, but in the Bahamas it's $1?

That's the pie rates of the Caribbean.

 
 
 Posted:   Nov 2, 2018 - 1:51 PM   
 By:   Jim Cleveland   (Member)

Did you know a pie in Jamaica costs $2, but in the Bahamas it's $1?

That's the pie rates of the Caribbean.


BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!big grinbig grinbig grinbig grinbig grinbig grin

 
 Posted:   Nov 3, 2018 - 9:00 AM   
 By:   solium   (Member)

Why did God give women legs?

So they don't leave snail trails.

 
 Posted:   Nov 3, 2018 - 3:13 PM   
 By:   'Lenny Bruce' Marshall   (Member)

Irving comes over to visit his friend Seymour.
" Sit my friend" says Seymour.
Irving sits down on the couch.
"So, are you comfortable?", says Seymour.
"I make a living" he replies.



stolen from mel Brooks on "Comedians Drinking Coffee In cars" on NETFLIX

 
 Posted:   Nov 5, 2018 - 7:18 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Did you know a pie in Jamaica costs $2, but in the Bahamas it's $1?

That's the pie rates of the Caribbean.


I'm still chuckling over that one. I modified it slightly when telling it to friends/family, that a guy on a Caribbean cruise kept complaining about how expensive pie was in the Caribbean islands, to which the cruise guide finally in exasperation replied with your punch line.

Thanks!

P.S. - Oh, and my daughter replied "Dad jokes".

wink

 
 Posted:   Nov 5, 2018 - 7:45 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

This morning I went to use my smartphone and it said to me: "And don't call me Shirley!" - I had left it in "Airplane!" mode.

 
 Posted:   Nov 7, 2018 - 9:38 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

A Brit visiting Australia is asked by the customs agent:
"Have you any felony convictions?"
"Sorry, no, I didn't realize it was still a requirement."

 
 Posted:   Dec 9, 2018 - 4:22 PM   
 By:   Adam B.   (Member)

 
 Posted:   Dec 9, 2018 - 7:09 PM   
 By:   gmontag451   (Member)

AND... I just made up one!
What did the Chinese janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

"SUPPLIES!!!!" big grinbig grinbig grinbig grin


 
 Posted:   Dec 9, 2018 - 7:18 PM   
 By:   'Lenny Bruce' Marshall   (Member)

This morning I went to use my smartphone and it said to me: "And don't call me Shirley!" - I had left it in "Airplane!" mode.

smile

 
 Posted:   Dec 9, 2018 - 7:20 PM   
 By:   'Lenny Bruce' Marshall   (Member)

AND... I just made up one!
What did the Chinese janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

"SUPPLIES!!!!" big grinbig grinbig grinbig grin




I have to report you to the Diversity Task Force.
Solly, but you reave me no choice.

 
 Posted:   Dec 9, 2018 - 7:24 PM   
 By:   gmontag451   (Member)

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar, which is weird because you would think the other two would have stopped after they saw the first guy walk into it. (borrowed from Howie Mandel or Steven Wright I think.)

Another Steven Wright:
One day i was out driving and I went right through an intersection without even slowing down. A minute later a cop pulled me over and asked "Didn't you see that stop sign back there?" And I said "Yes I did officer, but I don't believe everything I read."

 
 
 Posted:   Dec 9, 2018 - 10:25 PM   
 By:   blue15   (Member)

Another Steven Wright:
I once put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

 
 Posted:   Dec 12, 2018 - 5:19 AM   
 By:   Jehannum   (Member)

That goes back further than Jimmy Carr - it's a Bob Monkhouse gag, surely?

There is no difference.

 
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