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 Posted:   Jun 20, 2018 - 8:09 AM   
 By:   Rick15   (Member)

Jeez. These are terrible.

So I'll add my own terrible one...recalled from my primary school days...

What's long and thin, covered in skin, red in parts and goes in tarts?

a rhubarb

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 20, 2018 - 9:32 PM   
 By:   Jim Cleveland   (Member)

Just read this online.... made me laugh out loud(a very rare occurence!)

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did... not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

 
 Posted:   Jun 21, 2018 - 12:41 AM   
 By:   BillCarson   (Member)

I think thats a jimmy carr one, and was either passengers on a bus or a plane, cant remember.

 
 Posted:   Jun 21, 2018 - 1:22 AM   
 By:   dtw   (Member)

That goes back further than Jimmy Carr - it's a Bob Monkhouse gag, surely?

 
 Posted:   Jun 21, 2018 - 5:16 AM   
 By:   BillCarson   (Member)

Youre probably right there

 
 Posted:   Jun 22, 2018 - 5:56 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Years ago a friend was found in his car one morning nearly frozen to death at a local drive-in. He'd waited all night for "Closed For The Season" to start!

 
 Posted:   Jun 22, 2018 - 9:26 PM   
 By:   Adventures of Jarre Jarre   (Member)

What did Rip Taylor say when he heard that Charlton Heston had died?

His own name.

 
 Posted:   Jun 23, 2018 - 9:24 AM   
 By:   madmovyman   (Member)

A 7 year old and a 5 year old are raking the yard.The 7 year old asks, “You know what?
I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss”. The 5 year old nods his head in approval.
“So, when we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass”.
The 5 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast,
he replies, “aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios”.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs
crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom
locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”
The mom then comes back downstairs, looks at the 5 year old and asks with a stern voice,
“And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know”, he blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios”.

 
 Posted:   Jun 26, 2018 - 5:54 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

What's the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside!

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 26, 2018 - 6:04 AM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

Have you come across the man at a funeral jokes? There are many, but I believe this is the original.

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow, "Mind if I say a word?"
"Please do", she says.
Silence ensues...
The man clears his throat and says "Plethora" and sits down again.
Tears welled up in her eyes.
"Thank you, that means a lot"


Other variations:

"Dictionary"
"Thank you - I don't know how you find the words"

"Kit and caboodle"
"Thank you - that means everything to me"

"Threesome"
"Thank you - he would have loved that"

 
 Posted:   Jun 26, 2018 - 6:23 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

A big-city lawyer retires to the South and buys a large farm. His neighbor also has a large farm which adjoins the lawyer’s. The neighbor has a large pond frequented by geese and ducks. One day while the neighbor is on his tractor, the lawyer sees a duck flying toward the neighbor’s pond and decides to shoot it, thinking the neighbor won’t notice. He shoots the duck and it lands on the neighbor’s property. The lawyer sneaks over the fence to claim the duck, but the neighbor spots him and confronts him.
“Ye know, you shot that duck over my propty, and it landed on my propty and yore trespassin’, too!
“Lookit, Farmer Bill, I shot that duck over my property and I’m claiming it! I’m a lawyer and I’ll sue for it if I have to!”
“Won’t do ye no good, down here if it’s on my propty, it’s mine.”
The lawyer quickly calls a friend on his cell to confirm and sure enough, the farmer’s right.
“Tell ye whut, I wanna be neighborly, so we’ll settle it usin’ the kick rule.”, says the farmer.
“What’s that?”
“Whoever can kick the other feller the hardest keeps the duck.”
“Sounds good, let’s do it!”
“Since yore on my propty, I git to go first.”
“Okay, take your best shot, hayseed.”
The farmer kicks the lawyer square in the groin with his steel-toed boot, dropping the lawyer to his knees.
After ten minutes of wheezing and gasping, the lawyer finally staggers to his feet, still shaky.
“Okay, now it’s my turn!” he says.
“Naw, that’s okay, ye can keep the duck, neighbor!”

 
 Posted:   Jul 26, 2018 - 11:17 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

A Bizarre Murder/Suicide

Some of you may remember this, from ~1987

"A medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.
As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers, and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast originated, was occupied by an elderly couple. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who had seen the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist . . .

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."

 
 Posted:   Jul 26, 2018 - 11:23 AM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

Heard it.

 
 
 Posted:   Jul 31, 2018 - 1:54 PM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

I finally admitted to my wife that I have a foot fetish. She shooed me off.

 
 Posted:   Jul 31, 2018 - 3:56 PM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

So, this guy walks into a bar and says "OW!"

 
 
 Posted:   Jul 31, 2018 - 6:42 PM   
 By:   Jim Cleveland   (Member)

So, this guy walks into a bar and says "OW!"

FUNNIEST T-SHIRT EVER! I wish to hell I hadn't waited to buy it, since it's no longer available, frownfrownfrown

https://online.findgift.com/gift-ideas/a-man-walks-into-a-bar-t-shirt-pid-277550/

 
 Posted:   Aug 1, 2018 - 5:26 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

 
 
 Posted:   Aug 1, 2018 - 10:13 AM   
 By:   Octoberman   (Member)

^^Niiiice...^^

 
 Posted:   Aug 1, 2018 - 12:52 PM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Joe.

 
 
 Posted:   Aug 1, 2018 - 1:03 PM   
 By:   Tango Urilla   (Member)

What was the man's name?

 
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