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 Posted:   Mar 27, 2020 - 6:27 PM   
 By:   Adam B.   (Member)

I ordered extra pepperoni on my delivery pizza. Gotta love their enthusiasm.....

 
 
 Posted:   Mar 27, 2020 - 10:55 PM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

There’s not much left on the shelves so I just bought what I could get my hands on, and I tried crab paste for the very first time.

It’s revolting - I’m taking it back to the chemist first thing tomorrow to get a refund...

big grin



Y’know, I can’t decide if that’s incredibly subtle or plain hilariously appalling. A difficult path to tread - nicely done!

 
 
 Posted:   Mar 28, 2020 - 1:11 AM   
 By:   Damian   (Member)

I a thank you....

 
 Posted:   Mar 28, 2020 - 2:25 AM   
 By:   BillCarson   (Member)

We are a week into self isolation and it’s very upsetting for me to witness my wife standing at the living room window staring aimlessly into space, with tears running down her cheeks. It breaks my heart to see her like this.
I’ve thought very hard of how I can cheer her up.
I’ve even considered letting her come in.... but rules are rules. big grin

 
 
 Posted:   Mar 28, 2020 - 8:36 AM   
 By:   Damian   (Member)

Not one of my originals but deserves a wider audiencw--



A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth tubes up his nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

 
 
 Posted:   Mar 28, 2020 - 12:07 PM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

I had a prick test last week. Turns out there’s an 85% chance I am one.

 
 
 Posted:   Mar 28, 2020 - 12:18 PM   
 By:   Damian   (Member)

I had a prick test last week. Turns out there’s an 85% chance I am one.[/endquote

Only 85%. big grin

 
 
 Posted:   Mar 28, 2020 - 10:55 PM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

I had a prick test last week. Turns out there’s an 85% chance I am one.

Only 85%. big grin




15% margin of error.

 
 
 Posted:   Mar 29, 2020 - 1:22 AM   
 By:   Damian   (Member)



15% margin of error.

Fair enough,

 
 
 Posted:   Apr 5, 2020 - 9:33 PM   
 By:   joan hue   (Member)

Got this in an e mail today.



I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at United Market that opens at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you old fu****s don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."

 
 Posted:   Apr 5, 2020 - 11:51 PM   
 By:   BillCarson   (Member)

Good one joan. X

 
 
 Posted:   Apr 6, 2020 - 1:44 AM   
 By:   Damian   (Member)

This cleaning with alcohol is bullshit.After the first bottle nothing gets done. big grin

 
 
 Posted:   Apr 6, 2020 - 6:35 AM   
 By:   Charlie Chan   (Member)

Why are three men after the gold in the good, the bad, and the ugly?
Because it's more than two-can-carry

Why did Julius Caesar go to the Doctor?
He had attacks of Gaul Stones and Brittany Spears

 
 Posted:   Apr 6, 2020 - 8:05 AM   
 By:   BillCarson   (Member)

Why are three men after the gold in the good, the bad, and the ugly?
Because it's more than two-can-carry


As Bruce would say, doesnt quite work as Tucumcari was For a few dollars more. wink

 
 
 Posted:   Apr 6, 2020 - 8:33 AM   
 By:   Disco Stu   (Member)

How I ration my TP.....



That should be:
Start-> "Mon, Wed, Fri, So, Tue, Thu, Sat " ->Repeat

Every sheet has two sides, six if you're adventurous.

D.S.

 
 
 Posted:   Apr 6, 2020 - 8:36 AM   
 By:   Disco Stu   (Member)

My partner wanted me to gratify her orally but I refused.
I'm not going to tell her all day how good she is.

D.S.

 
 
 Posted:   Apr 6, 2020 - 8:39 AM   
 By:   Disco Stu   (Member)

You jest, but I just traded a roll of toilet paper for the Ark of the Covenant.

I have resisted the urge to open it, though.


How do you open a roll of toilet paper.

D.S.

 
 
 Posted:   Apr 7, 2020 - 5:13 AM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

We misplaced our Scrabble set years ago, but Mrs TG has just sent away for one to play during the lockdown. It arrived today and they've sent us the French version for some reason. I've told her to send it back, because neither of us really speaks French and it'll just lead to arguments.

 
 
 Posted:   Apr 7, 2020 - 5:29 AM   
 By:   Damian   (Member)

What's the difference between Dirty Harry and anal sex?

One makes your day the other makes your hole weak!

 
 
 Posted:   Apr 7, 2020 - 11:26 AM   
 By:   Charlie Chan   (Member)

Why are three men after the gold in the good, the bad, and the ugly?
Because it's more than two-can-carry


As Bruce would say, doesnt quite work as Tucumcari was For a few dollars more. wink


Shame, I would have given you a fi$tful of dollar$ not to mention that!

 
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