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 Posted:   Nov 5, 2019 - 4:37 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Q: What type of music are balloons scared of?

A: Pop music!


big grinbig grinbig grin

 
 Posted:   Nov 5, 2019 - 4:40 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

A Baby Boomers' joke

I'm watching my 3 year old grandson pull up apps on his cellphone.

Me, well I just figured out how to turn off my cellphone without pulling out the battery.


wink

Don't feel bad, Joan; I'm still p*ssed because I keep getting a "Press Any key to proceed." - There ain't no Any key! wink

 
 
 Posted:   Nov 5, 2019 - 6:10 AM   
 By:   joan hue   (Member)

Cute, Jackfu.

 
 Posted:   Nov 6, 2019 - 1:08 PM   
 By:   Adam B.   (Member)

Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry-cleaners and asks that a spot on a dress be removed.

The employee, who is hard-of-hearing, says "Come again?"

Monica replies "No. Mustard."

 
 Posted:   Nov 7, 2019 - 4:24 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry-cleaners and asks that a spot on a dress be removed.

The employee, who is hard-of-hearing, says "Come again?"

Monica replies "No. Mustard."


I just threw up in my coffee!

 
 Posted:   Nov 7, 2019 - 4:27 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

A little late for Halloween, but:

At the office Halloween costume party, everyone is having a great time. The office flirt sips her drink, surveying the scene, thinking, “Well, I think I’ve been with just about every guy here.” Then she sees old Joe, a timid diminutive little fellow who is past retirement age, yet still single. He’s dressed as Superman. Thinking that Joe might be an interesting conquest, she sidles up to him and purrs, “Well, hi there, Superman; whaddya say you and I slip back to the copy room for some Super Sex? Joe is hard of hearing and says, “Huh?”. “I said, how about you and me and some Super Sex?” “I’m sorry, but what did you say?” “I said, would you like some Super Sex?!” “Oh! – I’ll have the Soup, please.”

 
 Posted:   Nov 18, 2019 - 12:23 PM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

While in college I once took a job with a crew of brick masons. It was my task to add a scribed look to the mortar between walls made from bricks, blocks, stones, etc.
I literally had to use a fork to do this.
I never got proficient at it. I just couldn’t get the hang of using a fork to dress the mortar.
The foreman was always upset with my work and complained incessantly how sorry my work was.
I finally found a better part-time job and quit.

I just got tired of being told what a sorry mortarforker I was.

 
 Posted:   Nov 18, 2019 - 1:26 PM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

Just made this up (so...):

What did one hot-air balloon say to the other hot-air balloon said he couldn't fly?

A: "You're full of hot air!"

 
 Posted:   Nov 18, 2019 - 1:26 PM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

Just made this up (so...):

What did one hot-air balloon say to the other hot-air balloon said he couldn't fly?

A: "You're full of hot air!"

 
 Posted:   Nov 20, 2019 - 5:33 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

wink

 
 Posted:   Nov 20, 2019 - 8:54 AM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

Did you hear about the surfer who went surfing with an ironing board? He was wave over his head.

 
 Posted:   Nov 20, 2019 - 12:14 PM   
 By:   Mark R. Y.   (Member)

You remember Epstein the grocer? Sure, you do.
A skinny, tiny fella with a crooked back.
When he walked, one leg dragged.
Well, he died yesterday.
I can't believe it! Gone! Just like that!
He was the picture of health!!

 
 Posted:   Nov 20, 2019 - 12:16 PM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

You remember Epstein the grocer? Sure, you do.
A skinny, tiny fella with a crooked back.
When he walked, one leg dragged.
Well, he died yesterday.
I can't believe it! Gone! Just like that!
He was the picture of health!!


big grin

 
 Posted:   Nov 20, 2019 - 12:18 PM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

On a Lost and Found poster: Lost - Dog, 3 years old, tan and white, with only one eye, missing one ear and one leg - goes by the name "Lucky".

 
 Posted:   Nov 25, 2019 - 5:34 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Texts between daughter and Dad

Daughter: "Dad, can I go to a 50 Cent concert?"

Dad: "Sure. I left a dollar on the table, take your sister with you."

 
 Posted:   Nov 25, 2019 - 5:55 AM   
 By:   BillCarson   (Member)

On a Lost and Found poster: Lost - Dog, 3 years old, tan and white, with only one eye, missing one ear and one leg - goes by the name "Lucky".

I have a mate who is a vet. He said its a long-standing ironic gag for any vet when people bring in dogs n cats called Lucky with all manner of limbs missing and unlucky injuries.

 
 Posted:   Nov 25, 2019 - 10:18 AM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

Something I came up with:

A pumpkin thrown on the floor is squash.

 
 Posted:   Nov 26, 2019 - 8:03 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

A poultry farmer, thru long hours of work, and in an effort to combat world hunger, was able to develop a hybrid breed of chickens with three legs.
When asked how they taste, he replied that no one knows - they haven't been able to catch one!

 
 Posted:   Nov 26, 2019 - 11:12 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: "Paul (Lynde), what character in Alice in Wonderland kept saying 'I'm Late! I'm Late!'?"
Paul: "Alice, and her mother is just sick about it!"

 
 Posted:   Dec 13, 2019 - 11:24 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

From Laugh Factory:

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

 
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