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 Posted:   Aug 22, 2019 - 10:52 AM   
 By:   Damian   (Member)

Two snakes are sitting in the jungle . The first says to the other-
Are we poisonous.
2nd snake- why?
First- I've just gotten my lip



Predictive text sometimes makes me laugh, and I’m afraid it’s done you no favours here...

I once ordered naked manchester instead of baked manchego for an office Christmas lunch because of it.

As you probably realised it should have been 'bitten' and the joke would have been hilarious!!
Anyway it's the taking part that counts ,so I was told. big grin

 
 Posted:   Aug 22, 2019 - 1:48 PM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 
 
 Posted:   Aug 22, 2019 - 2:08 PM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?


I don’t know - what DO you get when you cross a ...oh.

 
 Posted:   Aug 23, 2019 - 7:32 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Stolen from jokes4us:

You may be a Trekkie if:

You fantasize about Lt. Uhura sitting on the edge of your bed saying "Hailing frequencies open!"

 
 Posted:   Aug 23, 2019 - 7:52 AM   
 By:   mgh   (Member)

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?


I don’t know - what DO you get when you cross a ...oh.


big grin

 
 Posted:   Aug 23, 2019 - 11:53 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Grandpa boasted about the great deal he got on his new hearing aids - $19.95!
I said, "Wow, hearing aids for $19.95? What kind are they?"
He said, "Uh, it's about 4:15."

 
 Posted:   Aug 24, 2019 - 6:16 AM   
 By:   dtw   (Member)

I went to a kiosk in the town centre and asked for some advice. The woman said, "You've got bronchitis, dermatitis and appendicitis." It was the inflammation desk.

 
 Posted:   Aug 24, 2019 - 8:49 AM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

I wondered why the basketball kept getting closer. Then it hit me.

 
 Posted:   Aug 25, 2019 - 3:57 AM   
 By:   Jehannum   (Member)

I'm president of the Phil Collins and Jimmy Somerville Appreciation Society. It's just a small fringe group.

 
 Posted:   Aug 27, 2019 - 11:23 AM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

If corn oil is made with corn and peanut oil is made with peanuts, then what is baby oil made of?

 
 Posted:   Aug 28, 2019 - 10:35 AM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

Memo to all employees:


In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. seriously will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T..

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.).


Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.).

 
 Posted:   Aug 28, 2019 - 11:40 PM   
 By:   'Lenny Bruce' Marshall   (Member)

If Tall Guy took an ocean voyage on an Italian luxury liner would it be a Robinson Cruiseo?

 
 
 Posted:   Aug 29, 2019 - 5:14 AM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

If Tall Guy took an ocean voyage on an Italian luxury liner would it be a Robinson Cruiseo?


Don't you mean -

The Robinson Cruiseo

 
 Posted:   Aug 29, 2019 - 10:28 AM   
 By:   'Lenny Bruce' Marshall   (Member)

If Tall Guy took an ocean voyage on an Italian luxury liner would it be a Robinson Cruiseo?


Don't you mean -

The Robinson Cruiseo


I'm trying to cut back....

 
 Posted:   Aug 29, 2019 - 10:35 AM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

Ten out of ten doctors recommend that.

 
 
 Posted:   Aug 29, 2019 - 10:52 AM   
 By:   Last Child   (Member)

If corn oil is made with corn and peanut oil is made with peanuts, then what is baby oil made of?

Good one. Reminds me of "my" joke that if a vegetarian is someone who eats vegetables, what's a humanitarian?

 
 Posted:   Aug 29, 2019 - 10:53 AM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

That's a good one!

 
 
 Posted:   Aug 29, 2019 - 10:59 AM   
 By:   Last Child   (Member)

I like the Baby oil one better - it's more gruesome than cannibalism.

Here's the only formulaic joke I've ever made up:

What does an elephant have when he wakes up in the morning?
Trunks under his eyes
[instead of bags, being larger]

 
 Posted:   Aug 29, 2019 - 11:04 AM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

And so, God came forth and proclaimed widescreen is the best.
Sony 16:9


2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math destruction.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got as little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk works has a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass".

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse replied, "No change yet."

(ones I used in this thread, are deleted)

 
 Posted:   Aug 29, 2019 - 2:57 PM   
 By:   'Lenny Bruce' Marshall   (Member)

If Tall Guy took an ocean voyage on an Italian luxury liner would it be a Robinson Cruiseo?


Don't you mean -

The Robinson Cruiseo


If Tall Guy recorded an album tribute to a famous Italian tenor it would be called " Robinson/ Caruso.

 
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