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 Posted:   Jan 3, 2018 - 3:38 PM   
 By:   Jim Cleveland   (Member)

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’


 
 
 Posted:   Jan 3, 2018 - 3:55 PM   
 By:   Jim Cleveland   (Member)

AND... I just made up one!
What did the Chinese janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

"SUPPLIES!!!!" big grinbig grinbig grinbig grin

 
 Posted:   Jan 3, 2018 - 4:01 PM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

I made one up many years ago, too:


Q: Why do midgets always get the short end of the stick?

A: Because the can't carry the long one!

 
 
 Posted:   Jan 6, 2018 - 12:00 PM   
 By:   leagolfer   (Member)

Good joke, funny, haven't heard that one before.

If you want a big-joke go watch Alien 3 the creature is as slow as a slug/snail no conviction, no Xenomorph, a joke every-time it airs on tv.

 
 
 Posted:   Jan 6, 2018 - 12:18 PM   
 By:   BillCarson   (Member)

AND... I just made up one!
What did the Chinese janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

"SUPPLIES!!!!" big grinbig grinbig grinbig grin


jim, thats funny post of the day.

 
 Posted:   Jan 7, 2018 - 8:48 AM   
 By:   Olivier   (Member)

AND... I just made up one!
What did the Chinese janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
"SUPPLIES!!!!" big grinbig grinbig grinbig grin


I think you can go to prison for that one, nowadays-- but I love it big grin

 
 
 Posted:   Jan 9, 2018 - 12:06 AM   
 By:   Preston Neal Jones   (Member)

One of my favorite New Yorker cartoons: Two snails on a turtle's back. The turtle is... just... getting... underway... when one snail says to the other, "Hang on to your hat, here we go!"

 
 Posted:   Feb 5, 2018 - 7:02 AM   
 By:   Jim Phelps   (Member)

Why do riot police arrive to work early?

To beat the crowds!

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 15, 2018 - 12:45 PM   
 By:   joan hue   (Member)

I just received this in an e mail.

It was titled: THE HANDYMAN HUSBAND

On a cold winter morning, wife texts husband:

WINDOWS FROZEN, WON’T OPEN.

Husband texts back:

POUR SOME LUKE WARM WATER OVER IT, AND TAP GENTLY ALONG THE EDGES WITH A HAMMER.

Five minutes later wife texts husband:

COMPUTER REALLY SCREWED UP NOW!

(Should be title idiot wife.smile)



 
 Posted:   Jun 16, 2018 - 5:45 PM   
 By:   Josh   (Member)

What do vegetarian zombies eat?

GRRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 17, 2018 - 1:38 AM   
 By:   Preston Neal Jones   (Member)

After years on this Board, I'm finally going to ask: What's the story with those black redacting bars? I seem to see them when they're covering up a spoiler or something naughty. Does the Sheriff put the bars there, or is it self-censorship, or what?

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 17, 2018 - 1:43 AM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

After years on this Board, I'm finally going to ask: What's the story with those black redacting bars? I seem to see them when they're covering up a spoiler or something naughty. Does the Sheriff put the bars there, or is it self-censorship, or what?

See “special code legend” “spoiler” - just off to the left when you’re posting. It’s a way of being rude with the excuse that people who see what’s beneath the black bar ask for all they get!

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 17, 2018 - 3:11 AM   
 By:   BillCarson   (Member)

Its also where if i make a mistake i get rid of it with a black marker pen!! wink

Think of the hours of fun you can have with it, preston.

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 17, 2018 - 4:27 AM   
 By:   Graham Watt   (Member)

Doctor - "You're gravely ill."
Patient - "Can I get a second opinion?"
Doctor - "Yeah, you're really ugly".

 
 Posted:   Jun 17, 2018 - 8:07 AM   
 By:   solium   (Member)

After years on this Board, I'm finally going to ask: What's the story with those black redacting bars? I seem to see them when they're covering up a spoiler or something naughty. Does the Sheriff put the bars there, or is it self-censorship, or what?

See “special code legend” “spoiler” - just off to the left when you’re posting. It’s a way of being rude with the excuse that people who see what’s beneath the black bar ask for all they get!


Correct the first time, they're "spoiler" tags meant to hide spoilers. Highlight at your own risk. On rare occasions I'll use them to say something rude.

 
 Posted:   Jun 17, 2018 - 8:09 AM   
 By:   solium   (Member)

I'm still waiting for a really funny joke.

 
 Posted:   Jun 17, 2018 - 8:09 AM   
 By:   madmovyman   (Member)

Two blondes were going to Disneyland.
They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.
They started crying... and turned around and went home.

 
 Posted:   Jun 18, 2018 - 7:36 AM   
 By:   Justin Boggan   (Member)

I came up with this one last night:

Q: Which film director suffered from jock itch?

A: Alfred Itchcock.

 
 Posted:   Jun 18, 2018 - 8:28 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

Two German Shepherds are in kennels in a Vet’s office:
GS 1: Hey, buddy, why are you in here?
GS 2: To get neutered.
GS 1: Bummer!
GS 2: Yeah, well, it isn’t totally my fault. My owners’ best friends came for a visit and brought their spaniel with them. They should have known she was in heat! So, they put the two of us in the bathroom so we wouldn’t disturb their card game, and well, I just couldn’t resist! We made quite a commotion and they were furious when they saw what we were doing, so here I am! What about you?
GS 1: Actually, my story is kinda similar. I was lying on the floor of my owner’s bedroom when she came in from taking her shower, buck naked, tripped over me and fell to the floor on her hands and knees. Well, like you said, I “just couldn’t resist!”
GS 2: Oh, my dog! You did that?!?! So, you’re here to get neutered too?
GS 1: Nope, to get my nails trimmed.

 
 Posted:   Jun 20, 2018 - 4:12 AM   
 By:   jackfu   (Member)

A possum and a lawyer are lying dead on the road. How can you tell the difference?

There are skid marks near the possum!

 
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